Kicking Ass With A Fist The Size Of Your Torso

Without a doubt on of the best NES games of all-time and a personal favorite of mine is Battletoads. Produced by Rare Software in 1991 the game certainly rivaled TMNT but was in my opinion better. This is not only because of the surfy intro music with a punk rock beat and crazy punching sound effects when the game is paused, but because to this day I find it to be a truly challenging and fun game. Every level is completely different in gameplay, from the 3-D first level, swinging down the "wookie hole", the later, more difficult 2-D levels and dodging obstacles while surfing and hovercrafting in the chasm. Another thing I have always loved about the game the "cartoon" aspect of it. The exaggerated features of the character animation simply make the game more entertaining. It is one of the better developed games of it's time. This was around the time Nintendo was making the jump to the SNES, where someone had the great idea to take two classic games in Battletoads and Double Dragon, combine them and make a really crappy game.


As far as tips and tricks for the game I honestly can't offer a whole lot. I still am not all that great at it. In the second level, the impact crater or "wookie hole", hit the birds repeatedly against the walls as they fall. Each hit gives you an increasing number of points and after several hits a 1up. Of course these will be crucial in beating future levels which I would describe as "harder than hell." Also use the warps unless you are a badass and don't use warps.

In the mid to later levels of the game like the Snake Pit and Gargantua Ducts there are a shit tone of spikes that kill you instantly which unless you are an expert makes continuing inevitable. (Why do spikes always mean instant death?) I don't mean to discourage you from playing but honestly, that isn't even the hard part yet. Just play the damn game! Once you discover or rediscover it you will realize it is the best NES game ever made...or at least in the top ten.

On the subject of music videos (several days later i know)

Pelican has a new one: "Lost In The Headlights" from their amazing record City of Echoes.

Pelican |MTV Music

I suggest watching "Dead Between The Walls" first. Never get sick of these guys.

Pelican |MTV Music

Red Fang "Prehistoric Dog"

My new favorite music video.

They were doing it there way in pre-history.

Ride The Pterodactyl is the long awaited first album of Tony Borg and The Human Tofu. Every track on the album can be described as epic or even timeless. They have taken rock music to a new level not of confidence and power but of distorted bass licks in a mesh with higher "cleaner" bass "leads", wacky riffs and various grunts and groans. Somehow they managed to produce one of the best records of the year without the use of percussion instruments. "We hate drummers. That's pretty much become our motto. They always steal our drugs." This was the only comment of The Human Tofu in a short post gig interview granted a week ago, after playing in a strangers driveway. We asked Tony Borg about what this album means, and about the message and feelings the band is trying to convey in this revolutionary style of play. "Well, what really inspired my end of the creative process was when I was a child in the late 80's. Two teenage Iron Maiden fans broke into my parents garage when I was home alone and started huffing paint. It was fuckin' sick dude." The influence of heavy metal titans like Iron Maiden is notable throughout the album, though Maiden's epic studio releases feature many lengthy tracks. Borg and Tofu's longest track spans about a minute and a half. Tony Borg commented, "we really went all out on this one... but at the same time we just wanted to get to the point." Ride The Pterodactyl takes this classic metal influence and all out destroys it with a barrage of stupid core that only Tony Borg and The Human Tofu can pull off, totally defeating the purpose of playing in the first place. "We pretty much cancel ourselves out. It's nihilistic. It rocks." I asked them about their other influences and inspirations. "7-Eleven nachos and other bands that wear sweatbands." I also asked them what inspired the band name. "Shut up, this interview sucks."



Tony Borg and The Human Tofu: Ride The Pterodactyl (2008)

1. The Lizard Gods
2. Ride The Pterodactyl
3. Robots From Hades
4. Wielding Excalibur
5. The Power Ninja
6. Impaled With A Spatula
7. Death. Kill. Bleed.
8. Mighty Bearded Wizards

warfare in another place and time

In a rail car riding over an enormous canyon the wind blew sand in my face. It was the strangest feeling to be traveling several hundred feet in the air across one rail. It seemed as though we were placed with no reference in an exciting yet haunting space and time. As we moved across, the rail came to several switches. He operated a lever to control our direction at each switch though he seemed to do it with great reluctance. He had never been there either. We didn't know where we were going. The car was completely constructed of metal. No seats, no windows other than the long narrow one in front used by the operator while moving forward. The continuous intense scrapping of metal on metal made it impossible to have a conversation as we traveled at high speeds. There were spots of the interior that had rusted out yet the car and the rail were still functional. There were fires burning over the tops of huge chain link fences on the other side. In the distance atop plateaus I could see countless flying objects with wings but too small to be planes. Past the last switch the car came around a winding left turn straight for the edge of the canyon. It felt like a roller coaster yet the rail was seemingly suspended in air. The entire car was empty and stretched about fifteen feet back, maybe six feet across. The rail climbed to make the edge of the flat land where I looked out to the right to view numerous infernos. Massive burning fuel tanks and power plants in fenced compounds were exploding, hit with bombs from the sky but not from planes. Men with mechanical wings that encased small incendiary bombs to dispose of at will were destroying this industrial area with little opposition from a small army trying to defend it. The force of an exploding fuel tank shook the car to point of almost derailing it. As a crazy array of gunfire flew past us I realized that more of these strange rocket powered men were flying over us but it was clear we weren't the intended target. I watched as several of them were hit and rapidly spiraled to the ground. In one last glance at the chaos we were passing a saw several of these men swirling past each other in opposing colors, gray and blue armored suits. The rail car continued to ascend toward another plateau in this unknown desert. We were refugees in some futuristic yet outdated mode of troop transport, trying to stay alive. It was weird.